


i wanna love you but i don't know how

by mjscorner



Series: peter parker's playlist (songfics) [4]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Light Angst, Parent Tony Stark, Peter Parker Lives, Peter Parker Loves Tony Stark, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Precious Peter Parker, Tony Stark Acting as Peter Parker's Parental Figure, Tony Stark Does What He Wants, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Lives, Tony Stark Loves Peter Parker, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, peter parker has fomo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-27
Updated: 2020-05-27
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:22:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,323
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24402757
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mjscorner/pseuds/mjscorner
Summary: “Have you ever been that scared, Mr. Stark? And I mean, like, heart thumping out of your chest, about to vomit kind of scared. Have you?”Tony paused, furrowing his brow. He couldn't tell if Peter was being serious or not. He had no doubt in his mind that the kid could hear him have panic attacks every once in a while when he invited him to the compound, not to mention that his life was practically an open book to the American public. The kid knew the answer.He was searching for advice.And he wanted to tell him. He wanted to impart any wisdom he could on this precious, innocent kid in front of him that had already experienced firsthand more trauma than any kid his age should ever have to. He wanted to tell him, even though he didn't know how.But Tony couldn't risk Peter taking any pages out of his book.“No,” Tony said, offering a small smile that barely reached his eyes. “Can’t say I have, kid.”
Relationships: Pepper Potts/Tony Stark
Series: peter parker's playlist (songfics) [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1762084
Kudos: 66





	i wanna love you but i don't know how

**Author's Note:**

> this fic is based on the lyrics of "neptune" by sleeping at last

**Summer, 2017**

“Mr. Stark!”

Tony perked as he heard a crash from behind him in the tower. He turned, an amused grin immediately reaching his face as Peter scrambled up from the ground after seemingly jumping through the window and stumbling to the floor. The kid was still in his spider suit, but Tony’s smile was quickly forgotten when Peter ripped off his mask.

Peter’s face was a sickly white, beads of sweat dripping down his forehead as his curls stool up every which way. His eyes were wide and his chest heaved as he breathed in deep gulps of air. Tony rushed to his side, a million questions spinning in his head though only one seemed to be voiced.

“Are you hurt?”

“Mr. Stark,” Peter repeated, a nervous laugh escaping his lips as he fell to the ground once again though this time he landed in an upright position, sitting with his knees up to where he rested his elbows. Tony raised an eyebrow, sitting on the ground beside the kid with a confused expression.

“Kid. What the hell happened?”

“I was on patrol, right?” Peter started, clearly searching desperately for words. “And-and there’s this robbery. There’s like _twelve_ guys, Mr. Stark! And they’re all in this bank, you know, stealing stuff.”

“Robbery. I’m familiar.”

“Right, yeah. So, they see me, right? And I’m all, like, ‘hey, stop.’ But they have guns— _really_ big guns. And they all just start shooting. They’re barely even aiming at me, there are just shots flying everywhere! A-and my heart was beating out of my chest, Mr. Stark, so much that it almost hurt. So Karen is all like ‘Activate Instant Kill,’ as if I can’t handle them myself, but one of the bullets grazed me and I’m on the floor-"

“Peter—“

“-So Karen has to take over ‘cause of how bad the pain is. But I had never felt that much of a rush in my _life_ , Mr. Stark. It wasn’t a good rush though. Or, no, it was like a mix. It wasn’t like being on a rollercoaster. It was like...it was like a _scared_ rush. Like, I had so much fear that I just froze ‘cause I really thought I was gonna be dead. But I didn’t die, obviously, and—oh, my god, Mr. Stark. I can still feel it. My heart is still going—feel it!”

“Peter,” Tony repeated, grabbing Peter’s shoulders and staring at him with a deadly glare, his hold on the boy tightening as Peter’s fear seemed to be returning with a vengeance. “Pretty sure you're experiencing an adrenaline rush, kiddo. Your experience with robberies and guns probably isn't doing that PTSD of yours any favors either. The next time you’re outmanned like that, you’re supposed to call me. Remember? We don’t want a repeat of the Vulture. We compromised on, like, 85% honesty, yeah?"

“I’m-I’m sorry,” Peter admitted, deflating into himself and falling onto his back, looking up at the ceiling with one arm draped across his forehead and the other on his stomach, staring up as if he were star gazing. “Yeah, I-I'm sorry. I'm not really sure why I cam here. I just-I know the rules. And I usually follow them, like, really well. But this time, I was so focused on staying alive that I wasn’t thinking. Have you ever been that scared? And I mean, like, heart thumping out of your chest, about to vomit kind of scared. Have you?”

Tony paused, furrowing his brow. He couldn't tell if Peter was being serious or not. He had no doubt in his mind that the kid could hear him have panic attacks every once in a while when he invited him to the compound, not to mention that his life was practically an open book to the American public. The kid knew the answer. He was searching for advice.

And he wanted to tell him. He wanted to impart any wisdom he could on this precious, innocent kid in front of him that had already experienced firsthand more trauma than any kid his age should ever have to. He wanted to tell him, even though he didn't know how.

But Tony couldn't risk Peter taking any pages out of his book.

“No,” Tony said, offering a small smile that barely reached his eyes. “Can’t say I have, kid.”

“Yeah,” Peter whispered, sitting up straight and slowly rising to his feet with Tony’s help. “Yeah, you’re right. I’m probably just overreacting. Sorry, Mr. Stark. I’m gonna head home now, May’s probably waiting up for me.”

“Oh, okay,” Tony nodded, deflating as Peter placed his mask securely over his head and perched himself on the balcony, looking out into the city. Tony stared, grimacing at the scar on his leg from the bullet and trying with all his might not to rush forward and pull Peter back inside.

Instead, he was frozen in place, watching as Peter turned back at him for a split second.

“‘Night, Mr. Stark. I’ll see you later.”

"Kid, wait-"

And Peter jumped, gravity forcing him down to the city below before he disappeared into the night.

Tony didn't know it then, but that awkward, strained interaction would play on repeat and dwell in his heart throughout years of grieving the very kid he would have done anything to protect, even though he didn't know how.

* * *

**Endgame: Post Battle**

When Tony came to, white noise flooded his senses before the world became clear. He squeezed his eyes shut tightly and tiredly forced them open, taking in his surroundings carefully.

He was in an... _ambulance_. Laying on a...gurney? Smoke still filled the air and he sat up with a jolt, realizing the ambulance was parked on the battlefield. Sirens were flashing this way and that, and people in blue were running around frantically trying to restore the damage made.

His suit was gone. Pepper had most likely retracted it after the snap when Carol stole the gauntlet and yielded it herself. She appeared to be nowhere in sight, either, and he could only assume that she had flown back into the vast sky above.

Pepper rounded the corner and froze in place when she saw Tony sitting upright on the gurney, looking around in confusion. She all but jumped inside, squeezing his hand tightly and cupping his face.

“Tony?” she whispered carefully, examining him closely. “Thank god you're awake. Are you okay?”

“Miss me that much, huh?” Tony asked, taking in a hiss as a nauseating headache overcame him in a wave of pain. "The hell happened?"

“We won,” Pepper said with a warm smile, stroking his cheek with his thumb. “You did it.”

He drank the information slowly, nodding fondly at the idea. They had won. After several years of hiding the agony and being terrified of his dreams, the reasoning behind it no longer existed.

“That sure has a nice ring to it... and Danvers?”

“Gone,” Pepper shrugged, leaning back with a sigh. “One minute she had the stones, and then...she had vanished.”

Tony hummed.

"If I may, Miss Potts: you looked as cute as a button in your gift."

"Shut up."

"How did you find it? How did you even _know_ -?"

"It's best we don't-let's not focus on the details."

Tony smiled at her, his eyes beaming fondly in that distinct look he had learned to master over the past five years. He tried to fight the oncoming grin, melting in relief as Pepper snickered, leaning forward and pecking him on the lips.

"I know you weren't expecting to come out of this," Pepper said quietly, her smile unwavering. Her eyes twinkled as she blinked tiredly up at him, using one hand to cup the side of his face and brush his cheek with the pad of her thumb and the other to rest on Tony's chest, specifically the arc reactor. "I'm really glad that you did anyway."

"I'm all kinds of stubborn," Tony breathed, leaning in to her touch and mirroring her tired gaze. 

This was nice.

And then his heart was stopping.

_Peter._

How could he have forgotten about _Peter_? The curly-haired kid that practically sparked this revolution? Also, where the hell was Rhodey? And Bruce?

"Hospital," Pepper blurted out. Tony frowned. 

"What?"

"Strange took a lot of people to the hospital using his portals, Peter included. Obviously the compound MedBay wasn't an option. Don't worry: he's making sure his identity remains confidential."

“Well, Miss Potts," Tony spared only a moment longer leaning into her touch. "You read my mind. You know, I thought we were having a moment."

"And who am I to stand in the way of Tony Stark and his kids?"

“Pepper,” he breathed, trying with all of his might not to suddenly break. She lifted a finger to shush him.

"No more waiting, Tony. You've waited long enough."

Tony leaned forward and planted another firm kiss on her lips before rising from his gurney.

“They took him to Morgan's hospital,” she said, biting her bottom lip. “I don’t know much, but he was in...he was in pretty bad shape. Even with the armor."

Tony jumped up from his gurney, causing the vehicle to rock and Pepper to stand in protest.

“I have to go to him,” he insisted, getting out of the ambulance and walking to the driver’s cab. A man in a dark blue EMT jacket and ball cap sat in the front seat, stiffening as Tony knocked on the glass loudly. The man looked on with a raised eyebrow, eyeing Tony suspiciously.

“Do you need something—?”

“Start the truck,” Tony insisted. “To the hospital. Right now.”

“Uh...Mr. Stark, sir, we’re following a specific protocol at the moment—“

“Did I ask about a protocol? No. I _told_ you to start the truck and take me to the hospital. Right now.”

"But you're..aren't you Iron-Man?"

"Astute observation. All the more reason for me to need an escort."

The man simply stuttered and nodded, reaching for the keys and turning the ignition. Tony nodded in satisfaction, turning back to the bed of the ambulance and climbing inside.

"I'll meet you at the hospital with Morgan," Pepper said, smiling understandably and shooting an apologetic glance to the driver that would have to put up with Tony's god-awful persistence and impatience 

* * *

“Parker.”

The woman at the hospital front desk raised an eyebrow, stiffening when she realized that Tony Stark was glaring daggers at her from the counter. His trembling hands gripped the edge of the counter with an iron grip, and she cleared her throat, trying to form some sort of explanation.

“Mr. Stark, we have a _lot_ of families here at the moment. The Vanished have returned, and we—“

“Yeah, no shit,” Tony scoffed. “I’m looking for my kid, and I swear to god, if you don’t give me his room number in the next five seconds, I’m going to _lose_ it.”

“3401,” the woman croaked, raising a finger to the hallway beside them. “Elevator’s that way.”

Tony turned on a dime toward the elevator, though he derailed his path toward the doors and opted for the stairs. He took them two at a time, ignoring the way his exhausted limbs practically cried out in protest as they popped and sent sharp white pains shooting through him. 

“3401, 3401,” he muttered repeatedly under his breath, navigating himself through the maze of the hospital and the people reuniting through tears in the halls before finally, he saw it.

A light flickered above the door, and he froze in front of it, reading the sign over and over to confirm he was in the right place. His eyes trailed over to a miniature white board attached to the door, the name scribbled hastily across making his perception of everything become mixed.

**_Parker, Peter_ **

He ignored the extra “do not disturb patient” sticker beneath the name and practically blasted the door open, standing in the doorway in both anticipation and fear. His eyes darted this way and that in search of what he had been looking for before he stopped, freezing in place at the sight before him.

The room was a child’s hospital room. Tony felt stupid that that tiny detail of the room made his heart swell sadly. The walls were bright orange, and the only source of light was the city lights outside the window as well as a small night light on the counter across from the bed. The room reeked of hand sanitizer and small illustrations of lions were painted in various places on the walls. The rainbow-tiled floor beneath him seemed to give way when he finally summoned the courage to look at the bed.

To the left of the room against the wall, Peter was laying on a hospital bed, swallowed whole by blankets and pillows. His curls were messier than usual. He had a horribly bruised eye and a bandage strapped across his nose, as well as various cuts and bruises littering his face that were partially covered with adhesive. His right arm was in a sling and elevated on a pillow, and to Tony’s relief, he no was no longer smeared in his own blood.

The kid was looking out the window of his room, though Tony’s entrance made him perk his head toward the sound. His eyes brightened and a grin spread across his face.

“Mr. Stark!” Peter breathed out, adjusting himself with a wince as he tried to sit up straighter. “Holy cow. I was wondering if everyone was okay! They stuck me in a kid’s room!”

Tony’s heart began thudding loudly in his ears, and that familiar feeling of relief washed over him, similar to how he felt when he saw Peter again just hours before. The relief was short-lived, however, as it usually tended to be. Tony took in every individual injury on the kid’s body and was immediately overwhelmed with an aching in his chest.

“Oh, man, that fight was _crazy_ , Mr. Stark! That was the worst one I've ever been apart of. Did you see me with the gauntlet? Oh! And, did you—did you see that space lady? She totally snapped Thanos away!”

Peter stopped short, looking on at Tony uneasily as he seemed glued to his place by the doorway. His eyes were filled with concern and he was breathing heavily, causing Peter to lean forward in anticipation.

“Mr. Stark? Do you need a doctor?”

He didn't answer. Instead, without particularly thinking, he was lurching forward, pulling Peter desperately into his arms frantically and enveloping him in a bone-crushing hug. Peter was taken by surprise and guilt seeped into his conscience as he wrapped his good arm around Tony, grabbing a fistful of his shirt. Tony hugged the kid tighter at the gesture, raising his hand up to hold the back of Peter’s head.

“Peter,” Tony whispered repeatedly, stroking the teenager’s hair. “You’re okay. You’re okay. You’re here.”

“I’m here, Mr. Stark,” Peter assured the man, burying his head into Tony’s shoulder. “I’m sorry, Mr. Stark. I’m okay.”

Tony pulled out of the hug, pulling the chair beside the bed closer and sitting though he continued to lean forward. Peter glanced down, fidgeting with a loose string on his hospital blanket. He had suddenly shrunk into himself in a way that broke Tony's heart.

“Is it true?” Peter asked quietly, avoiding eye contact with Tony. “What Mr.-Dr. Strange said?”

Tony lowered his head, seemingly in just as much guilt as he heaved a heavy sigh.

“Five years?” Peter asked again quietly as if too much noise would break Tony. He took in a deep, shaky breath, raising his head and grabbing Peter’s good hand with both of his own trembling ones.

“Mr. Stark,” Peter said in concern, looking down at Tony’s hands. “You’re shaking.”

“Do you remember what you asked me that night?” Tony asked, holding eye contact with the kid carefully. Peter furrowed his brow in confusion, tilting his head. 

“I, uh...”

“You had just come back from patrol,” Tony described, swallowing thickly and trying to mask the fact that his whole body and voice were shaking like crazy. “You were...you were hurt. You were scared, too. You had just fought off a bank robbery with twelve armed men."

Peter slowly nodded, still eyeing him with concern.

“There was...blood, smeared on your leg. And you asked me if I had ever been so scared that I needed to vomit. It was a weird question, and I told you I had never been that scared. Well, I lied."

"Yeah," Peter breathed out a laugh, a ghost of a smile tracing his lips. "I know, Mr. Stark. I...I know you've been scared like that. I was kinda hoping you would give me advice. It was selfish. I shouldn't have asked that of you."

"I don't think I fully understood the question back then," Tony blurted out, shaking his head and staring into Peter's bloodshot eyes with his one glassy ones. "I probably would've told you about Afghanistan. Or New York. Or almost losing Pepper. The point is, I could've used a lot of points of reference, but..."

Peter remained silent, swallowing thickly as Tony bit his bottom lip and gripped Peter’s small hand with his quivering ones. The man’s eyes slowly shut, and he knew at that moment that there weren’t enough super armies or enhanced abilities in the world to fight the wave of emotions rising inside of his throat.

“I said no then, but if you asked me again, I’ve, uh, I've felt that feeling that you've felt two times. But not when you might think I did. I, uh..."

Tony cursed under his breath, squeezing Peter's hand as he continued to chew on the inside of his cheek in thought.

"I've felt it when I lost you and when I got you back.”

Peter's lower lip trembled, though he tried in vain to stop it by swallowing thickly and biting it, hard. 

"I don't want it to be five years in the future, Mr. Stark," Peter confessed, his own eyes glossing over with tears. He shook his head, awkwardly removing his hand from Tony's and reverting his gaze back to the window. 

"I know, kiddo," Tony sniffed, placing a firm and hopefully supportive grip on Peter's shoulder. He lowered his own gaze until they were both staring ahead, deep in thought. Tony's eyes drifted shut in shame. "I'm so sorry, Peter."

“I missed you,” Peter said, smiling softly when Tony’s eyes snapped open and he was staring at Peter carefully. “I mean, it doesn’t _feel_ like five years, I don't know _what_ it feels like, but...I feel like I _miss_ you.”

"I missed you too, Pete. Really fucking bad."

Peter snickered at that, reaching his hand out again and taking Tony's firmly in his. They made a sort of content eye contact, their gazes blaring the same message.

_I want to love you, but I don't know how._

"You know," Tony started, clearing his throat obnoxiously, "it's pretty ironic that you got stuck in this room, on this floor."

"Why? Because everyone thinks I'm a baby?" Peter scowled. "I bet Sam arranged for this to happen."

"No," Tony smiled with furrowed brows, his grin widening at Peter's glare. "It's ironic, because...this is the same hospital and floor where I met my daughter, Morgan."

Peter's eyes widened, drinking in the information and the implications that it brought. Tony continued to gaze upon him lovingly, like he could die right then and there knowing that everything he ever wanted was here, now, in his lifetime. He cleared his throat rather obnoxiously as his heart swelled, summoning the small amount of courage and energy left in him after the battle that both Pepper and Peter had replenished deep inside of him.

"And now, it's kinda where I'm meeting my kid, Peter Parker."

**Author's Note:**

> "i’m only honest when it rains  
> if i time it right, the thunder breaks  
> when i open my mouth  
> i want to tell you, but i don’t know how"


End file.
